Day Fourteen: Giving Birth

GROWNUPS

Giving birth

was much more difficult for me

than pregnancy, because

it meant I would actually have to care for a human

who was separate from myself.

My first pregnancy was easy because

I was young and underweight,

but my second was so difficult that

I collapsed in line at a drug store

on a hot August afternoon

while buying vitamins.

An aged woman in front of me

was counting out pennies for the cashier

in that laborious way that the elderly have,

and I grew dizzy, then finally

my legs gave way like soggy matchsticks.

Since I weighed 225 pounds by then

and was eight months pregnant,

this created a sensation,

even though I merely sat down suddenly

and with a decided lack of grace,

and then landed on my well-padded ass.

I've never in my life, before or since

received faster service than I did that afternoon.

The manager brought me a cup of water

and asked if I had been receiving prenatal care.

I assured her that I would call my doctor,

and that I was fine to walk home

and they watched me leave with skepticism

and concern, mixed with an odd hostility,

as if they resented me for not being helpless.

That labor was only twenty-four hours long,

half the time I spent giving birth to my son

who I swear was holding on to my intestines

to keep from emerging into a world

that was dry and unforgiving--

but my daughter was backwards

and rubbing against my spine like the edge of a comb,

wanting to leave, but going about it the wrong way.

I'd planned for natural childbirth, but

in both cases, medical science intervened

and provided me with drugs, to which I surrendered

gratefully, thinking to myself

that drugs had helped me

through so many other periods of my life,

and why should childbirth be any different?

In the end, the method was secondary

to the result, and I have two children

who have miraculously grown tall

and have learned not to ask me for help--

but in my dreams, they are still young

and need my guidance--

I guess that part of me wishes

they depended on me as much as they used to-

but the other, larger part is glad

to be able to open the door

and go outside

without wondering if it's safe to leave them for a moment.